Claudia's House of Useless Knowledge

In Excelsis Deo

Wow. It’s been a bit. My apologies. Life, and all that. Basically what I’m saying is it’s all Gwyn’s fault. So, where were we?

Previously: Danny brought C.J. a goldfish, Laurie came to a dinner, Lillienfield.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 23. 7:30 A.M.

Mandy and C.J. discuss how the train to Mandyville is not the Polar Express the carolers with their Dickensian costumes. Toby says “I could care less” for the first time and I grit my teeth, as the expression is “I couldn’t care less”, and Toby, a speechwriter, should know that. Al Roker is playing Santa, which worries Sam. While Sam, Mandy, and Toby discuss the guests, C.J. wanders in the background. Toby and Sam start to get into it over the 2000/2001 debate but C.J. is all “Are we done?” The boys follow her through the halls as she holds a pink piece of paper and looks like she doesn’t like them much today:

That would be Toby truncatedly saying that he’s arguing and will call back, and Ginger telling him it’s the DC police. They stop and turn, first her then Toby then Sam. It’s all very Sound of Music. Toby peels off. Sam explains that the millennium is a year away, but they’ve made plans. He uses a car metaphor, like he’s ever owned a car for 100,000 miles. And then a Secret Service agent updates the other agents on C.J.’s status…

Credits.

Toby and homeless vet; Josh and Donna and her desired skiing equipment; Josh and Leo discuss Lillenfield, discuss using Laurie to help them out, Lowell Lydell, revisiting hate crimes legislation—C.J. will be sending up a test balloon, presumably a rainbow one.

Briefing! She smoothly assures us that the president’s plane is absolutely scheduled to leave at 10:00 and will therefore be heading out around noon. Reporter Bobbi asks about Lowell, and then about hate crimes legislation. C.J. floats her test balloon. Sadly, being indoors, it just tangles up in the lights and some poor maintenance guy has to climb up on the lectern.

Toby tries to find out about Walter Hufnagle on the phone, Mandy needs to know about hats; Donna and Margaret should talk about these things but they do.

Claudia is talking to the kids about what they’re going to do when the president comes in. It’s adorable. Good morning, Mr. President! He’s so good with kids. She thinks so, too, you can tell. Quoth my transcript, “C.J. laughs at the Bartlet’s antics” (sic). And his “Yes” at the end of the scene is one of my favorite line deliveries ever. Fortunately, he calls on the most adorable child ever:

Charlie comes in to kill the moment because Lowell Lydell died. And the president returns to the kids, the future, the ones who will grow up and not be homophobic little shits. They’re like 19 now. Incidentally, she appears to quit acting, but Jeffrey goes on to do 21 episodes of Lizzy McGuire.

Claudia is walking through the bedecked hallways to some music. I don’t know what music, I’m Jewish, what do you want from me? It’s music. It would make Josh break things. God you people are demanding. Hey, Shmuel! He thinks thinks she shouldn’t “put [her] foot on the gas so hard” with hate crimes, which makes the second car reference in one episode. I just got up to go get some more water and a pair of underwear fell out of my pants. LOOK KAREN CAHILL FLUMMOXED ME OKAY. Anyway, um. Sam is not thrilled about her test balloon, because they’re not where they stand on this. Which is fair enough, though I’m not sure I would have had the staff member least likely to be a victim of a hate crime mention that. C.J., however is having none of it:

I wish this were bigger so you could see the anger and determination in her eyes. She goes another round with Sam on this, and then agrees to keep her foot off the gas. Are balloons launched with gas pedals? Gear shift to code names! Sam’s is “Princeton”, because, eye roll. C.J. points out that the flamingo is a ridiculous-looking bird. Fortunately, Princeton is there to assure her that she’s not ridiculous-looking. She’s gonna talk to someone. That person better be on guard. Is it Ron? Probably not. Do you think Ron has a Secret Service code name? Is it “8”? For BUtterfield 8? Or “Badass”? Right. So.

Sam thinks he’s going to Bermuda, Josh wants to know about Laurie, Josh breaks it to Sam about Leo, Sam’s gonna call her; Mrs. Landingham doesn’t like Christmas because of her boys, which just about breaks my heart. Incidentally, Kathryn Joosten was born in 1939. In 1970, when her boys were killed, she was 31. I find it somehow unlikely that she had boys old enough to have been in their third year of medical school. Not that I nitpick. So, there’s a thing with Toby at the park, the president is going rare book shopping and won’t let Mandy send cameras, but Josh is being forced to go.

C.J. is walking and suddenly Danny appears! He knows the president’s going out. But he’s not interested in that, because he has a list of reasons he and C.J. should go out. She’s gonna get a list of reasons they shouldn’t. He does not have the appropriate reaction to “Flamingo” (Which is: “Oh, god, that’s awful, C.J., I will beat up the Secret Service guys for you right now!”)

Sam appears, as C.J. watches Danny go away:

Awkward conversation. Sam’s like, “Nothing” all suspiciously when C.J. asks what they’re doing. I don’t know why she’s having them over for dinner, she can’t cook any of the 20 or 30 recipes out there. Anyway, now she knows something’s up. Sam is going to Bermuda tonight, so he shouldn’t have said “Nothing”, and now she knows they have something going on tonight.

Bookstore, Toby looking for Walter Hufnagle, I don’t understand how we do this to anyone, let alone veterans.

We’re picking up with Danny and C.J. discussing her list of reasons they shouldn’t date. For the record:

1. He’s a reporter, she’s the press secretary.
2. No, actually, that’s pretty much it. The rest—potential reputation damage, conflict of interest—all come from the reporter/press secretary problem.

Favorite Claudia Jean lines not mentioned already:

• Though I suppose the best time to [revisit hate crimes legislation] was the day before Lowell Lydell got his brains beaten out and not the day after. Who’s next?
• Go away. [DC: Okay.]
• Boy, was that the wrong answer.

Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding:

• LM: Who the hell is this guy and why do I care if he has a Merry Christmas? MH: Just sign the damn thing.
• DM: It was my regular face, Josh. I wasn’t trying to guilt you.
• JL: An hour with you in a rare bookstore? Couldn’t you just drop me off the top of the Washington Monument instead? PB: It’s Christmas, Josh! No reason we can’t do both.
• LM: Well, nothing says Christmas like animal fables in iambic verse.
• JL: Hey, Danny. DC: Hey, Josh. JL: How’s it going? DC: Hard to say. JL: Okay. DC: Okay.

The Short List

Well! The pressure is on now! None other than Marion Cotesworth-Haye (she’s Marion Cotesworth-Haye!) has followed this humble recap blog. I declare. Did you know she made a guest appearance on Parks & Recreation, slumming it?

Anyway, we’re back to Sorkin, plus Patrick Caddell, who was involved in the story and/or teleplay for eight episodes, and Dee Dee Myers, whose book you should already have read. So I’m going into this much happier.

C.J. “Previously” leading into Jenny leaving Leo, Danny flirting, and Leo being a boozer. Title card: MONDAY MORNING. 

C.J. and Josh are bent over his desk—not like that, you sickos, save it for the National Library—on the phone, C.J. covering the mouthpiece and looking increasingly, well, insane, as Josh says “yes” a lot. Okay, yeah, there’s no way to recap this scene without sounding like porn. He establishes that “you” are prepared at this point to—and then there is grinning and jumping:

Josh thanks “sir” and C.J. has to bend over to contain her glee. Then she does a little hip-swaying dance. Yeah, Sorkin’s just trolling me now. And then….

I realize it looks like she’s attacking him, or possibly doing an Arrested Development-style chicken, but in fact this is joy. I swear. They banter about who did more of the doing of it—according to Josh, C.J. was just on the phone with her fingers crossed. Either way, it is done! (And at the last second he admits that *they* did it.)

Don’t you want to know about the banging in Josh’s office?, who da men (AND WOMAN), the “it” is a Supreme Court nominee.

Into Leo’s office. She comes up behind him, prompting the kinky comment about wearing a bell around her neck. Jesus, now this whole episode is going to sound dirty. I gotta say though, the “It is done and I did it” and “Who da man” bits, and the bell line are really classics—this episode is doing well so far. Anyway, she’s gonna tell the press, but not on Friday, Joshua you idiot, who are you, Will?

Off into the hall they go, where they stop is probably their offices. Toby’s ranting makes C.J. hot and I love when she needles Toby like that. He just doesn’t know what to say and chooses to ignore it. Then Mandy calls her to go off and paint their nails or something.

List of Harrison’s qualifications, Josh and Donna, credits. President and Democrat-waiting-for Justice Crouch.

Danny on the steps of some big white building with columns. Along comes Claudia, deftly dodging his tricky questions about Harrison as well as his attempts to go out with her. She’s quite the deft dodger. 

More chatting with Justice Crouch, who is apparently 97 years old. And used to be a contract player in Hollywood, one imagines. 

Danny adorably offers C.J. his gloves. Because he is chivalrous, and also wants a date. That man cannot take a hint. Or, you know, flat-out refusal. Good news! She continues to outfox Danny, because she is a genius and Danny is dumb. (Well. No. Not quite. He did win a Pulitzer from the fourth row.)

Josh had something fall on his head, or not, I don’t really care, because he’s being a schmuck to Donna; Lillienfield is holding a press conference and Josh doesn’t really care, because Mandy; I fast-forward through Sam and Toby but I assume that Toby’s sudden look of alarm is due to the fact that Lillienfield just announced that one in one White House Chiefs of Staff used to be a Vicodin addict.

He tells the phone to “Get her.” and we cut to Carol going into C.J.’s office where you better believe Ms. Cregg is watching. Fade away. Fade into Leo and C.J. pedeconferencing while Leo gets annoyed that…Lillienfield doesn’t have sources for his made-up statistics? Seriously? How long have you been in politics, Leo? Anyway, C.J.’s way more chill than, well, Mandy. So I’m not sure that’s saying much. The gang is filing in, first Sam the Speechwriter unable to come up with better insults than “jackass”, “horse’s ass”, and “gasbag” (?!), then sauntering Josh, showing off his math skills (1.6 of them are doing drugs?), and finally Toby, who is mad that no one saw this coming.

Josh would like to laugh it off, but C.J. points out that’s, you know, not going to happen.  Points for her and Mandy doing a little skit (“I categorically deny that there are any more than three” “But now it seems that the assistant to the deputy director of White House beverages is confessing to a life of a closet junkie”) to explain why they can’t just categorically deny it. It makes Toby bang his head against the wall. Literally. So, the line is that they’re looking into it. Also, they’re looking into it. Which is making Josh, and, you know, the Bill of Rights, not happy. Toby instructs C.J. about how to do her briefing and calls her “good girl”. I let it slide, because he did bang his head against the wall.

Talking in various configurations, Josh looks angry, TUESDAY MORNING, Sam is sleeping at his desk, he gets a call, Leo and the president are talking and telling Charlie something (fast-forwarding is mysterious!), Mrs. L pokes her head in, the president goes somewhere, oooh Sam got an envelope about Harrison and he knows it’s his because he knows how Harrison writes, Josh and Donna walk, Mandy wants to give the entire White House a drug test, Josh still likes the Bill of Rights.

Briefing!!! Let’s see what the dastardly devious press corps has up its sleeve for deftly dodging C.J. But first, a popcorn break. Because I really, really like popcorn. […] Right, well, I may have eaten my popcorn and gone to bed, sorry about that. Not that you would know if I hadn’t told you. Dumb move, Abby.

So! Briefing! Apparently the PC will not stop asking C.J. about the drug thing. She, to her credit, resists responding with any of the four hundred and twenty “blunt” jokes that popped into my head here:

Steve is totally only asking if she uses drugs because he wants some. Steve was quite the pothead in his spotty youth, you know. Katie, though, Katie’s pretty snotty, and if I didn’t have Rules about This Sort of Thing, I would post a picture of her being snotty. Rest assured, if you go to 22:30 on your DVD, you can see it. In response, C.J. points out they have over 1300 people on the payroll and no one has been subpoenaed (LOL HAHA AN EPISODE OF THIS SHOW WITHOUT SUBPOENAS), and calls her Chris. Take THAT, Blondie! Actually, I think she’s the first one to say “Thank you, C.J.” in “Angel Maintenance”, so I’ll give her a very nerdy pass for the moment. Claudia is done with this briefing; she’s gonna go smoke a joint.

Well, no, she’s not, because somebody (hint: it’s Danny) follows her. Danny, if she won’t go on a date with you she’s definitely not going to get high with you. I know. It was hard for me, too, the day I realized I would never get high with the White House press secretary. No, no, apparently he just wants to give her a lecture on how she shouldn’t have challenged Lillienfield to give evidence or have been the first one to say “subpoena” you know what Danny, you wanted to become a press secretary, but you didn’t, you became a reporter and got a job at the Washington Post, so let’s do that now. (That one will go on my new blog, fuckyeahprivateers.tumblr.com.) Anyway, he insults her PressSec skills and offers to watch and patronizingly explain the New York Knickerbockers to her. She declines, oddly enough.

Josh and Danny talk, Josh tells Danny about the Goldfish (not goldfish), there’s chatter in the Oval with Soby and the president about PCH3, Pres B wants to meet Mendoza, WEDNESDAY MORNING, Sam/Toby/Mandy/Mrs. L saying god knows what, President and PCH3, Josh and Toby (I think Josh is disgruntled about Harrison), Josh and Leo and the worst-kept secret in Washington, Toby/Sam/Pres in the Oval trying to explain to PCH3 that he’s a dumbshit.

And then Claudia’s two favorite characters enter her office. No, not Toby and Mrs. Bartlet, Danny and Gail. First, she confesses that he was right, though adorable in not putting subpoena in the lede in his paper. And then he gives her a goldfish:

And then he explains why:

The crackers, Danny. The cheese things that you have at a party. Incidentally, I enjoy Goldfish as well. The whole grain ones are, surprisingly, the tastiest. I find it strange that the guy in the store got to name Gail, and I’ve always wondered if they chose the name for a reason. Other than, you know, alliteration. She kisses him on the cheek, which is totally not appropriate, and yet, strangely, we do not complain. Sorry, one more shot of Gail. Who, incidentally, is only directly mentioned in three episodes. We will however be keeping track of the items in her bowl, using both my own eagle-like eyes (my reflexes are not, sadly, cat-like) and the people on the internet who have already written it down. Hey, other people keep thinking there’s a Starbucks cup on her desk, right?

And then she bursts out laughing again. Annnnnd then there’s no more of her. Well, she’s in a clapping group shot. But that’s enough of that. We’ll end with Gail.

Favorite Claudia Jean lines not mentioned already:

• The president and Justice Crouch are old friends. [She’s so thoroughly unconvincing, not even trying.]
• Yeah. I can’t believe my psychic didn’t tell me, Toby. Rest assured, I’m gonna get my twenty bucks back.
• Set fire to the room. Do it now.

Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding:

• TZ: You’re also gonna write Harrison’s remarks. SS: Harrison’s not going to like that. TZ: Show him the robe he gets, he’ll like it fine.
• DM:Peyton Cabot Harrison the Third. Jewish fellow?
• LM: They’re gonna stake the hotels. Gifts coming from the White House… PB: We’re using back channels.
• DC: Neither do I. Which is why we I thought could watch it in your office while I explain it to you in a patronizing manner, ‘cause I know it’s something women usually like. [C.J.: Thank you, anyway.] You understand I’ll talk slow and explain it the way any girl would appreciate.
• JL: I was interrogating this intern from the Legislative Liaison’s office, and she broke down crying while telling me about the bong she had made out of an eggplant. LM: You can do that? JL: I used to use a potato. LM: You’ve always been industrious.
• JL: You’re not going to be taken down by this small fraction of a man. I won’t permit it.
• PCH3: Were you just calling me a fool, Mr. Seaborn? SS: I wasn’t calling you a fool, sir, the brand-new state of Georgia was.

Enemies

It’s been too long, too long, my friends. I fear you may have forgotten me. But not C.J. No one could forget her. So, shall we?

The President and Josh learning about the National Parks. Credits. Leo and Mallory having $6.50 cups of coffee and talking about opera tickets. Oh, there she is.

She and Mrs. Landingham are adorable. ADORABLE. I love Mrs. L. Sigh. Anyway, I’m pretty pumped about the banking bill, you? Certainly the way it’s being built up in these early scenes indicates no future problems.

Cabinet meeting with snotty Hoynes and note-taking Mildred. Toby and Sam talking about flat writing, worried Josh. 

Danny’s stopping by! Danny knows about the president/Hoynes smackdown. (We’re calling it a smackdown whether spellcheck likes it or not.) I laugh bitterly at his suggestion that she buy his paper for 50 cents. I’m not sure you can buy the free paper for 50 cents anymore. Ah, he’s asking her out again. “I like seafood. I like all food. I should also mention I’m a lively conversationalist. I’m very good at kayaking.” All right, has anyone ever seen Danny kayak? No. No, I thought not. The transcript ends the scene with a poignant “C.J. takes one last look at Danny as he leaves.” I think it means this:

Something something vice president and Danny. Now C.J. is asking Sam about the Cabinet meeting, like Sam’s going to know? Sam can’t even find his talent! He does get Chinese opera and no sex, though.

Exterior shot of the White House, presumably in case we’d forgotten where we were.

Sam and C.J. are waiting for Leo, but they’re not together. And both of their things are about nothing. This is really a strange little scene. Aha. This is the first episode not written by Aaron Sorkin. That explains why I’m 13 minutes in and have yet to write down a single line. Let’s see what wit and wisdom IMDb can give us that this episode is not. Teleplay: Ron Osborn (no other episodes) and Jeff Reno (no other episodes). They did both write for, among other things, Mork & Mindy, Moonlighting, Duckman, and Meet Joe Black...it looks like these two always write together. Since 1981. Not that that’s weir—OH MY GOD THEY’RE ACTUALLY RICKY AND RON. Right. So. Story is by Rick Cleveland (wrote “In Excelsis Deo”), Lawrence O’Donnell (story/wrote 16 episodes), and Patrick Caddell (story/wrote 8 episodes). Yeah, I’m blaming Ricky and Ron for my utter lack of interest in this episode so far. However, I shall persevere for you, o imaginary readers.

So, C.J. is asking Leo about the Cabinet meeting. He tells her to “Deal with it.”, and she responds “You’re a real details man, aren’t you, Leo?”, and he says “Deal with it.”, and she gives Sam this great look of “Oh, our boss, you gotta love him, or else the Secret Service would take you down when you try to kill him”:

She goes off while Sam talks to Leo about the opera tickets that used to be his and Jenny’s. Sniff.

Wow, I never noticed this before: the VP is talking about going to Mars. I’m impressed that they remembered his Mars thing later on. Especially since they periodically forget entire characters. C.J. tries to talk to him and he’s all “Whoever Danny’s been talking to, it wasn’t me” because—I SWEAR TO GOD HE SAYS THIS I’M NOT MAKING THESE SUBTITLES UP:

HAHAHAHAHA I hate you John Hoynes. “I’d like to remind you that whatever regard you hold for me personally”—you mean, how you hit on her even though you’re married? The regard related to that? Office of the Vice President. Not for long, buddy.

Sam+Josh+Toby discuss the land-use rider.

Sadly, we are now having a briefing where it becomes clear that C.J. does not know about the land-use rider. She covers, and okay I think—“I could, but then you’d have no reason to talk to me later”—but Danny knows. Danny knows all. And so Danny follows her, he follows C.J., past the signs which are usually posted. I did laugh at nobody minding him back there. Danny’s a cool cat. Despite being told to shut up, he responds with “I enjoy movies. I enjoy music. I’m not wild about ice skating but what the hell I’ll do it.” And, again, this is like the kayaking. We never see Danny go to a movie or a concert. He’s a lying SOB is Danny. I retract my cool cat statement. Toby’s in his office, but C.J. doesn’t want Bonnie to tell him she’s coming over, because she likes to keep it a surprise. Hey, good job, Ricky and Ron, that was actually a pretty C.J. line right there.

Pres+Leo talk about Big Sky and the strip-mining of Montana, which, really, who cares? The boys show up, and can I just point out that Toby is not, in fact, in his office? But rather in the Oval Office? 

Another shot of Washington (?!). Prexy+CoS chattin’ about Mallory. Josh typing (?). Mandy. Some stuff with Leo and Charlie. Oh, Leo’s giving the assignment to Sam. ANOTHER shot of the White House. Mandy+Toby.

Well, I took a break from writing this for a while, and I will admit that I’ve acquired vodka since then. Which will make this more fun for me, if not you. 

Oh thank god, C.J.’s shown up, perhaps to remove Mandy from the building. Well, no, apparently not until Mandy gives a terrifying screed that in no way fits in with the Bartlet White House’s philosophy of not swallowing bitter pills of strip-mining scams? But C.J. knows what Mandy really means: Regardless of the logic, or lack thereof, therein:

Anyway…Toby sensibly kicks Mandy out. C.J., and the camera, follows her. Follow? I’m not sure where my pluralization goes there. Or if it does. Mandy (wisely!) suggests a trade of giving Danny a half-hour with the president in exchange for dropping the Cabinet story. In return, C.J. tells Mandy that Lymborgler won’t back down, because they got screwed over by Broderick and Eaton, and that’s just unacceptable. Mandy snarks about “you guys”, which, no. You are one of them, lady.

Some stuff in the Oval Office with poor Sam being instructed to produce a second draft, Mallory and her breasts arriving.

Danny type-typity-typing away. Claudia Jean, lured by the sexy sound of his…keys. Well, that petered right out. Why does he sound like he’s on a damn typewriter, anyway? So, she wants to talk about his story. And he finally leaks that it wasn’t a Cabinet officer. DING DING DING. He suggests she not fire Mildred, because that wouldn’t be nice. Oh, and leaking the minutes of a CABINET MEETING is nice? And then he refuses to drop the story in exchange for 30 minutes with the president. Here’s what I don’t get: doesn’t that just encourage other reporters to drop stories in exchange for face time? And doesn’t that undermine journalism, if not democracy itself? Anyway, he wants her to sing a song. But gives in, sadly. I was hoping for The Jackal. But he won’t let her fire Mildred. To be fair, she does have to live with being named Mildred.

Sam and Mallory and Mallory’s breasts (seriously, they are distracting me), Josh and Toby discussing Broderick and Eaton (it was Crane).

Mini-scene with C.J. and Mrs. Landingham about the president looking for company while he reads. She goes in to talk to him. He’s fine with the Danny interview, or, as I call it, C.J.’s Democracy-Killing Bargain, or, as Danny calls it, Selling Even More of My 50 Cent Papers. He’s surprised it was Mildred, but fine with dropping that, as well.

No more C.J. for us today, I regret. And no more Ricky and Ron, I regret less.

Favorite Claudia Jean lines not mentioned already:

• [MH: You guys are idiots, you know that?] C.J.: In our own defense, we actually do know that.

Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding: 

• PB: She’s her mother’s daughter and you made her mother cry. LM: You really threw some sunshine down on that one, sir.
• PB: I want the banking bill and I don’t want to give in. [SEE, MANDY? THAT IS HOW THIS WHITE HOUSE THINKS.]
• MO: Don’t “hey baby” me, you addle-mined Machiavellian jerk!

The State Dinner

By the way, in case anyone was wondering, the #D2 stands for disc 2, as in disc 2 in the complete box set. Also by the way, I’ve been informed that I can’t have replies on sub-Tumblrs, which explains the lack of commentary on my witty ‘caps here. Ah, Claudia is doing our “previously”. Always a good sign.

C.J. is giving the press the skinny on the First Lady’s outfit for the state dinner. Black suede and velvet Manolo Blahnik slides with a rhinestone and mother-of-pearl toe buckle? Dammmn, Abigail. Also, inexplicably, the subtitles and C.J. say she’ll be wearing a “Carmen Marc Valvo silver and black gown with a matching bolero jacket” and the transcript says she’ll be wearing a “Badgely Mischka silk Shantung gown with a beaded bodice”. Maybe the transcriber changed it because the bolero jacket was too upsetting to think about? We get further detail of Mrs. Siguto’s outfit, and then no more questions: 

Not so much. But Joshua has come along, and surely he will have something cheerful to say, to assuage C.J.’s annoyance at having gone to school for 22 years only to talk about the wine, which he will drink. Sarah has picked up speed and power and been classed as a class four system. I’m not sure how I feel about the “classed as a class” dialogue there, buddy. 760 SAT word and that’s the best you can do, Josh? Neither he nor C.J. has (have?) ever been in a hurricane, but they agree that they certainly look serious. Sam has arrived, with news on the Teamsters! They voted to strike! Nobody seems concerned about this. C.J. is concerned about everyone but her knowing about Sarah, though, because that’s annoying. On the plus side, the boys are now following her like ducklings: 

Toby is worried about a situation in McClane, Idaho. I’m glad that C.J. and I had the same reaction: What’s in Idaho? Apparently a thing with hostages and survivalists (anywhere from 18-40 of them) and a house and there are kids. Bad news. She summarizes the cold open’s events and reiterates the shoe thing. Credits!

Breakfast at Leo’s! It’s like Breakfast at Tiffany’s, except, you know, minus Audrey Hepburn. And Truman Capote. They should really have gotten him to write an episode. Status updates on the hurricane, the truckers, the survivalists. Mandy and Toby explain why go unions. I think. I don’t know, that whole plotline is so irrelevant that I keep forgetting it exists. I like C.J. smirking when Josh tells Mandy she can’t help because “this is an actual, you know, thing” and then a minute later remembering about the sisterhood and looking serious and supportive of Mandy. 

Presidents Bartlet and Siguto, Sam and Toby, Leo and Teamsters, Josh and Mandy and PR disasters. Did you know that if you put this on fast-forward they walk only marginally faster? More Bartlet and Siguto and Danny being snotty.

Mini-scene with Danny and C.J. wherein she insists that she happens to know what vermeil is and he is all “haha you didn’t know” and good lord just jump each other already. It’s okay though, Carol’s on the case. It may be spelled E-I-L, you know. 

Sam and Toby, are they being too harsh on the Indonesians, Toby snarks at Sam’s writing, Sam’s laptop has an upside down apple on it.

Vermeil briefing! I love Danny just cracking up during the whole thing. Oh, hey, Reporter Bobbi asked a question! Now, while some may see vermeil as “a symbol of a government’s bloody and tyrannical oppression of its own people”, 

(Actual line: with a seasonal floral arrangement. And if you use closed-captioning instead of subtitles you can get the complete lines, but once you hit pause the cc disappears, because technology.)

Now she’s chewing out Danny for making the six pathetic people in Lafayette park into a story. APPARENTLY you have to have more than six people and some oaktag for C.J. to care about your cause. Jeez. Way to champion the underdog, Claudia. Aww, but he wants to know what she’s wearing. His paper does not, because it’s The Washington Post. Actually, the Post has a serious gossip column. But I suppose it’s not what Danny writes for. I love Flustered!CJ, as only Danny can fluster her. And later Simon, maybe. But mostly Danny. Danny the Flusterer. Anyway, he’s looking forward to it, as are we all. 

Hi, Dr. Cuddy! Conference in the Oval about extremists! Josh looks good! Sam looks good! There is no such language as Indonesian!

A Claudia sighting! It’s been scenes and scenes! She’s in the aforementioned gown of gray silk. I’ll just give you the description in the transcript, which was done by Jo: it’s a “wonderful gown of gray silk—high neckline, sleeveless, with a gray silk wrap, dark gray gloves to the elbow and a sparkler of a diamond bracelet”. Given that description, I think she really may have just deleted the mention of the bolero jacket for aesthetic reasons. Anyway, Claudia is looking for the First Lady, who is also looking for her. Mrs. B compliments the dress, but suggests that it could have been a little more risqué. This is because she’s about to introduce C.J. to some friends and their son, a cardiologist and heir to Colson Technologies. Abbey cracks me up. C.J. is flattered, but needs to talk about the vermeil. Abbey is unashamed of the vermeil, and here the subtitler needs a lesson in possessive vs contraction: 

C.J. is surprised by the excellence of this answer, and, unlike me, doesn’t start laughing when Dr. B. says “the truth will do it almost every time”. Oliver Babish would hit her with his big hammer. To the 90% of you who just said “that’s what she said”, you should be ashamed of yourselves. This is the First Lady and the White House Counsel we’re talking about. Anyway, the former reminds Claudia about the cardiologist. As if she could forget.

Red Cross, Idaho, Laurie’s at the party, Charlie’s family is okay.

But the hurricane is moving back out to sea. C.J. tells Leo. I’m not sure why she found out first, but she did. All those people, and the hurricane is 600 miles across. Which is pretty damn big.

Idaho is over, they shot the FBI negotiator, Mandy feels terrible and is going to throw up. I don’t know, Mands, I’m not sure it’s really your fault. They chose to listen to you. Kitchen scene, with mildly amusing double-translating and Josh&Toby getting smacked down.

Danny’s stopping by the office to compliment her dress! Hey, where is she? Is that her office, just not arranged like usual? And she’s on a desktop computer, eesh. Hmm. Yeah, I’m not sure. Danny wants to know about the FBI guy, C.J. wants to know why he flirts with her. She’s pissed because he thinks she’s a weak press secretary. And then he compliments her handling of vermeil, which we know was really Abbey’s handling of vermeil, she demonstrates her insecurity by asking if he really likes the dress, and then pretends she doesn’t care. It’s a sweet enough little scene, though it feels like maybe more appropriate for earlier in the term. When, I am aware, we did not have this show.

Teamsters, Sam and Laurie/ThoroughlyCharmingBrittany and Dr. B, nationalizing trucking, and that horrible, horrible scene with Signalman Third Class Harold Lewis on speakerphone, a scene which definitely doesn’t make me cry at all shut up.

Favorite Claudia Jean lines not mentioned already:

• Man alive do I love it when In Style magazine is issued press credentials.
• You’re a rabble-rouser, you know that? You rouse rabbles.

 Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding:

• DM: In certain parts of Indonesia, they summarily execute people they suspect of being sorcerers.
• Siguto: Yes. Yes. No. Yes.
• Laurie: [Law school] bears some relationship to graduating though, right?
• Here is Mandy speaking about the Idaho guys with a little too much affection (“Another word for that is entrapment!”), and Josh thanking god he got away from that:
• MH: What is it you do here exactly? JL: It’s never really been made clear to me.
• DM: He speaks Batak and Portuguese, so I wouldn’t look down your nose.
• TZ: He’s answering a question from like a half an hour ago.

New feature—the (rotated) sidebar when I search for “C.J.” on this episode’s transcript:  

Mr. Willis of Ohio

Ah, nostalgia. This is the first episode of The West Wing I ever saw. In my high school public policy class, my teacher was a fan, and showed us a couple. It all started here, folks, six years ago. And aren’t you glad it did?

Poker, baby! And with Claudia “Poker Queen” Cregg dealing, you know it’s going to be good. (Fun fact: I know almost nothing about poker, including what an acceptable nickname for a good player would be.) I say poker, but I really mean inane trivia time, which I’m pretty sure is what President Obama does. Incidentally, I’m also pretty sure she knows it’s the strawberry, but just really wants to say kuuum-quaaat:

Also, in their recitation of dw- words. they totally forget David Dweck and his Dwink of Wa Wa. A strange and glaring omission. Also, I can’t figure out where the “witches brew a magic spell” line comes from, despite Toby instantly knowing it. All Googling just leads back to this scene. Also, even the OED has “dweeb” listed, and has since the 1993 addition (no, I don’t mean edition). Also, the OED, which I’m guessing the president regards as the gold standard, gives us, in the non-obsolete category, dwang (a short, horizontal piece of timber inserted as a reinforcement between joists, struts, and the like) and dwile (a house-flannel, floor-cloth, or mop). Sadly, dweomercraeft (jugglery, magic art), is obsolete. Also sadly, most of Mandy’s $84 is C.J.’s. Less sadly, a ticket to Mandyville costs exactly that much.

Did I tell you guys that a) I am very displeased that there is no West Wing soundtrack, though there are several versions of the theme song, including one by the Prague Philharmonic, and b) I bought W.G. Snuffy Walden’s album, in part so that I could say I own W.G. Snuffy Walden’s album?

Ugh. I. Hate. This. Plotline. Yeah, she went to school for 22 years—to Cal Berkeley, go Bears—and studied, apparently, something that qualifies her to do this, but doesn’t understand the census? Jesus Christ, Sorkin, I get exposition, but did you have to use the women, who already has to deal with actual in-show problems related to her gender, to exposit? I mean, the census isn’t even that complicated! Have Charlie, who has not gone to college, ask. Or, wait, no, I BET HE TOOK AP GOVERNMENT. I don’t know how Dee Dee Myers didn’t have a fit. Well. She probably just thought it was realistic.

Look! DONNA is asking the expositing questions! And about policy, not basic constitutional rules! And Ron Butterfield makes his first of many awesome appearances. Love that man like whoa. I’ll just establish now that I’m ignoring the titular plot, including the “not gettin’ it, aw shucks” black man saving the day with his basic public school teacher knowledge. Because I’m uncomfortable with that plot. And it doesn’t involve C.J.

Back to the census, which makes me less uncomfortable than pissed.

Insert “The Constitution mandates that” before Sam’s line (and make the e in “every” lowercase). But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that holy hell seriously that is something that is really really freaking obvious. It shouldn’t even need expositing. If it does, 1) god help us, and 2) have him say “Okay, so, the Constitution mandates that every 10 years we count everybody, to ensure representationblahblahblah” as though it’s obvious and he’s just making it the beginning of his talk, a preface to launch into things. Or have her be like, “Yeah, I’m not *that* uninformed, Sam” and have him say something about her time of need.

I just realized that there’s totally Mallory/Josh/Zoey “take us with you” fic out there. I think I *won’t* go looking for it.

Good. Back to this. Let’s definitely have all of C.J.’s screentime be about how she’s ignorant. At least we have Josh to sweep her off her feet with his romantic proposals of “If you want to come… I guess that’d be okay”.

Oh, boy. Also Mallory/Sam/Zoey. Ohhh boy. Hey, how is Zoey getting C.J.’s grasshopper? Being, you know, 19. Also, what’s this “the president is a very protective father” crap, Claudia? I’m not privy to the intimate details, but I’m pretty sure that it’s standard for the president’s daughter to carry a panic button. This racist frat boy thing is…weird. Foreshadowing, I guess, but those guys are not West Virginia White Pride. And, frankly, I’m about a hundred times more bothered by the fact that three boys—men—are trapping a woman against a bar. Maybe we could get upset about that? But, hey, we have Charlie, Josh, and Sam to protect her, while C.J. and Mallory linger back. And her detail apparently hangs out in another room.

Incidentally, when I saw this the first time, in class, my stupid teacher told us that the “nightmare scenario” actually happens later. THANKS A LOT, KATHY.

Ah, Hubristic!CJ (full line: I now know everything there is to know about the census. Go ahead, you can ask me anything.):

President Bartlet: How many people live in the United States?

We launch a new feature today, favorite Claudia Jean lines not mentioned already:

• Pretend for the purposes of this conversation that I’m dumb.
• You told our boss’s daughter that you slept with a call girl?
• See, you keep telling him to relax with this sense of urgency.
• Well, maybe if you stopped pestering him like you were his great-aunt Ida…
• Is Josh being punished? [PB: Punished? No.] May I ask why not?

Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding:

• Cathy: Is that something I’m supposed to have at my desk?
• DM: Why don’t we wanna give back the money? JL: ’Cause we’re Democrats. DM: But it’s not the government’s money! JL: Sure it is. It’s right there in our bank account.
• LM: By the way, the FAA doesn’t know what that is.
• RB: Well, there are alarms in the ground. Here, here, here here, here, here, and here. 
• DM: Buy a DVD player. […] JL: We don’t trust you. DM: Why not? JL: We’re Democrats.
• JL: I’m a Fulbright scholar Mrs. Landingham. I don’t leer.
• ML: There’s no need to adopt a tone Mr. President. PB: I’m not adopting a tone. I’m just trying to get out of here. […] ML: And there’s that tone again.
• JL: I gave you a twenty! DM: Yes. As it turns out you actually gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you as I do, I’m afraid I can’t trust you to spend the change wisely. I’ve decided to invest it for you […] I want my money back.

The Crackpots and These Women

Moving right along, aren’t we? Indeed. I’m not 100% sure anyone is actually reading these, but it’s something for me to do to take my mind off of life. Aside from spending money and drinking. So, right. But if you are reading them, for the love of Debbie, like them! Comment on them!

Basketball, ringer, etc. The president hides from Toby behind his friend from the Council on Physical Fitness and I just can’t get over how much I love those two bantering and WHY JOHN WELLS WHY?! Opening credits. Ron Fucking Swanson is in this one!

C.J. catches Josh and tells him to read a New Yorker article about smallpox, the dessert topping. Like Josh hasn’t already read this week’s New Yorker, or had Donna read it and summarize. Pah! 

Poor Ceej, first she encounters pensive Josh and then she comes into the pressroom just as the “disagreement with potential” turns into a fight. Yeah, they’ve always had a complicated relationship, even before the shuttle thing, but still WHY JOHN WELLS WHY?! Anyway, so, couple scenes later, we get some real C.J. time and Mandy is photo-bombing it for reasons I cannot begin to fathom. And they’re talking about houses in Hollywood. Let me tell you, I would pay good money to see Roberto Benigni try to push anyone into a pool without himself falling into it. Also, to see a six foot wet girl in a Donna Karen dress.

Another party in the Oval! I do love my parties. The ever-classic “Chili!” “Oh.” “Look down at the carpet. Chili!” “Oh!!!” scene. Meeting is about Larry Posner and his requested fundraiser. Mandy is pro, Toby is con, and Sam doesn’t even want the speech at all. Now the president is talking. C.J. is…not. Despite the fact that the conversation is about Hollywood, where C.J. worked prior to coming to the dark side Bartlet campaign. However, the president just said Posner’s movies “suck”, which makes C.J. grin, and we all know I’m in favor of that. Now, I had a screenshot here, but I took it out, because maybe too many? Is there such a thing? Are we pro-screenshot, or “save ‘em for the good bits” screenshot?

Also, Toby is so concerned about Joe McCarthy, and while I appreciate C.J. trying to bring him back on track, I was really enjoying that whole thing. Bit of a libertarian streak there, Tobes? 

Hey, did you know that Cathy is like Sam’s younger sister, he loves her, it’s like Josh and Donna? No? No, you didn’t know that. Because Cathy disappears soon, instead of not stopping for red lights. I wonder if that’s why she leaves, because she didn’t stop for red lights?

PLUIE!!!!! Oh man. Oh man. So, one of my bearded dragons was named Bluie when we got her, because the woman we got her from had put dots on the babies’ tails to tell them apart and hers was blue. And then we learned after a bit that she was super stubborn, much like my grandmother, Ella. So we changed her name to Bella. Short for Bellatrix. As in Lestrange. She’s kind of evil, and might take over the world as soon as she figures out how to get out of her tank, by the way. She’s the bottom one in my Twitter profile picture, but much, much fatter now. Anyway. Okay. Pluie. Pluie and Ron! Ron is so concerned about animal welfare. This is very out of character. Very strange. Oh god, the woman—Marge—of course her name is Marge. And apparently the women who plays her, Rachel Singer, was Chloe in Fight Club, which I have read but have not seen. Anyway, Marge, I just can’t even look at her with cracking the hell up. Like. Fine. A rare non-Claudia screenshot seems called for:

She is not, in fact, sorry. Oh, god, C.J., stop making jokes. Just stop. ID jokes, royal family jokes, these people do not joke. Ron might. But Marge, Marge does not. And I don’t care about Loomis, who apparently acted for 20 years in stuff like Titanic and then just quit. So his feelings on jokes are irrelevant. God, I really want to hear more about the “plan” to get the wolves to follow road signs. Scent, perhaps? 

Now, Marge, C.J. is sorry. She’s so sorry about Pluie. She really is. I swear. Probably. Almost as sorry as she’ll be to see you guys leave and never come back and let her work on important things, like fighting inflation with various secret plans. Oh, other things I want to know include: who are the corporate sponsors for the highway? Wolf food companies? K9 Advantix? Will the wolves be doing adorable commercials? “Well, we’re not going to do it” should seem like a mean line, but in fact it just makes me laugh. I’m sorry, Marge, I’m sorry, Ron, but I can think of about 900,000,000 better things to do with that money. More, if you can still get gumballs for a nickel. 

Now Mandy, that tattletale, told Toby that David Rosen was the first choice for his job. Because she’s backhanded and conniving like that. This does however give us like a whole minute of C.J. trying to calm him down even while he’s all “David Rosen! Kid in the back of the class!” Poor Toby. Secretly insecure, and turning to someone who is too busy worrying about the wolves to comfort you.

Josh’s therapist is named Stanley. Hi, my name is Aaron Sorkin and I have zero imagination when it comes to naming therapists. Hmm. Maybe we should get to the root of this…

See, C.J. knows the solution. It isn’t therapy. It’s chili! Also, she therapizes him. Deals with the issue. Just like that:

“Josh, have you been upset about this? [Yes.] You’re very sweet sometimes, you really are. [C.J…] Of course they don’t want me, Josh, I’m a press secretary. I don’t think they’re going to be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are communications, and my guess is that speechwriting won’t be a priority, either. Come. Have some fun.”

Because that, my friends, is how you solve a problem like Joshua. And despite the fact that it is a beautiful piece of music, which C.J. knows because she’s Catholic (and I swear I read somewhere that that’s an error, but I can’t find it now), it’s important to remember that:

Much like Josh. And then they have a conversation I really like. One that’s not funny or sweet, but serious, and scary. Because the thing is, it is going to be smallpox in Times Square. This is the kind of thing I sit around worrying about. And she just deals with it. Even though we know full well that she freaks out about this stuff, she puts that aside to calm down Josh: 

It’s like something your mom, or your really down-to-earth best friend might say. It’s an answer. It’s a solution. And it’s what I remind myself when I read the Times or the Economist or Gawker and I freak out about this stuff. We’ll make more vaccine. We always do. I would get it on a t-shirt/bumper sticker, but I think it would freak people out. Their fault for not watching. (And Josh really is very sweet sometimes.)

And then, to top it off, she goes and schools Donna and Cathy—why is Cathy invited? Oh right, Sam’s little sister—about how vending machines kill more people than wolves! I mean. Vending machines kill more people than wolves kill people. I am not aware of any vending machine/wolf incidents. Though, if their M&Ms were stuck, I can see how that might happen.

You know, I don’t approve of C.J. telling the president what Toby said. I mean, one, the president has other stuff to worry about. And, two, Ceej, seriously, Toby needs to work it out for himself. 

Man does Peggy Olson look young. Oooookay, now C.J. just referred to Ron Swanson (or Loomis) as “really very sweet”. SOUND FAMILIAR? Look at that, two Claudia things I’m displeased with in a row. Using the same line about the wolf people that you used about Toby! For shame! And you know perfectly well that we cannot do both schools and wildlife, and, ask Sam, you should go with the schools, or Mallory O’Brien will BEAT YOUR ASS.

Ugh, I hate this scene. Despite the fact that I wrote a paper defending Aaron Sorkin’s treatment of women (got an A-, baby), this scene grosses me out. I mean, here are the descriptions of the women:

C.J.: “Like a Fifties movie star. So capable, loving, and energetic.” And why the fuck shouldn’t she be capable? And what does movie star have to do with anything? Are you comparing Josh or Toby to movie stars? Sam, okay, maybe, but, seriously. And “loving”? Would you call a guy loving? Really?

Mandy: “Going punch for punch with Toby in a world that tells women to sit down and shut up…she’s already won her battle with the president, but she’s not done. She wants Toby.” Now, I appreciate that Leo appreciates that the world tells women to sit down and shut up. But Mandy’s not going punch for punch even after she’s won because she’s a strong woman, she’s doing it because she’s obnoxious.

Mrs. Landingham: “She lost two sons in Vietnam…in fourteen years she’s not missed a day’s work, not one.” Oh. Okay. GREAT. So she’s identified by her role as a mother, and her important quality is that she can distinguish between the administration(s) that sent her boys to Vietnam (actually, they went by choice) and the Bartlet governorship, and then presidency. Wow. Good job with the cognitive skills, Mrs. L.

Cathy, Donna, and Margaret: “There’s Cathy, Donna, and Margaret.” Yep. They exist. As secretaries. A step for women, right there. Yahoo.

Hey, Josh? You have to keep the card. It’s great that you’re being all noble, but your duty is to be with your country when the shit—or smallpox—hits the fan. 

So, I don’t really know what the president’s speech about touching the face of God is all about, so I’ll just end with this Pluie-related screencap:

Actually, since we happen to have a grinning Claudia for the closing credits, let’s get a further tribute to Dee Dee Myers, whose book you should all read for a real look at what it was like for women inside the White House. (And you should go to Amazon via this link, to help out the delightful Guille.) Anyway, Claudia Jean and her inspiration:

Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding:

• TZ: It was Steffi Graf, you crazy lunatic! You think I’m not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she’s serving a tennis ball at me?!
• JL: Are we spending any time working on UFOs?
• PB: They were screaming at me, “Governor, for God’s sakes, it’s gotta be Toby, it’s gotta be Toby […] I couldn’t live without you, Toby”.
• ZB: You look like death on a Triscuit!

Five Votes Down

Quoth title card: Monday

The prez is giving a speech and there is staff bustling in the wings, something about having lost five votes and, in Toby’s case, gesturing along with the president to make sure he hits every pause and it’s hilarious and adorable and so I mention it. Also, C.J. won’t quit complimenting Sam and Toby and it’s driving Toby insane, which is why she’s doing it. Josh wanders by and C.J. notes that his “fan club was out in full force tonight”, which is absurd, because we all know Josh’s fanclub is here and here. Then she asks if she has an unusually large neck, which is also absurd. Probably. And then Josh cuts her off (!) and instructs her to look calm while he tells her something. Instead:

It’s about the lost votes again. They don’t have names. She and Josh confer with Leo while Sam and Mandy whatever, don’t care. Also, delightful Pres/Toby banter about whether the writing or the delivery was better and I just love them when they’re not hating each other. Inexplicable love for Josh on the rope line. C.J. points out that “It helps not to know him!” and in doing so gets the last word before the credits.

So, this stuff with the eating and the chatting. While I always support ganging up on Josh, I support less Mandy and C.J. having weird girly bonding. And I don’t at all support scenes with food but no Ainsley. Is that even legal? Speaking of legal, it’s asset-disclosing time and I am unclear on why Mandy is instructing C.J. and Leo on the merits of human interest stories. I know she’s the “media consultant” and all, but C.J. was in PR for a very long time and Leo has been doing this since, roughly, Teddy Roosevelt (that bear thing? totally Leo’s idea), so why do they need Mandy to tell them that? Yes, exposition, I know, but is the audience that dumb? Also, lady, we know you left 900,000 a year at Lennox-Chase, but maybe not so much with the rubbing it in? And Leo could buy Mandy’s house and turn it into his ping-pong room. (Double Sorkin FTW!)

Again, a terribly truncated line, originally “People will really get a kick out of reading about how much money you guys have, especially when they find out you don’t have any.” Jesus, subtitlers. This is Emmy and Golden-Globe winning dialogue! Not that part specifically, I imagine. But in general.

Leo and wife, blah, this would be so much more poignent if we cared about her or their marriage. Anyway, title card: Tuesday

Brief yet awesome moment of C.J. popping her head in to mock Toby’s newfound wealth. Allison Janney has the best face:

Press briefing, baby! I don’t want to sound conceited, but I’m pretty sure I could run a global war from my front porch if I really wanted to, and if I had a front porch. Walk-n-talk with Josh which does nothing but exposit on the vote situation yet which I appreciate because it’s not more of the boys. 

So, I was originally annoyed by this—Leo showing jewels to the womenfolk and them getting all oooh and aaah about it, but then…

Yes! Samuel! Samuel appreciates a nice piece of work right there. And Mandy wants to rub it against her teeth. And Claudia is worried that Leo is worried that she’ll stretch it, due to her imaginary abnormally large neck. Vanity, Claudia, is…something. It’s bad, I know that. Because I am wise. End scene with her giggling at Toby. You know how I love that.

Title card: Wednesday. Also known as Party In The Oval Office Day. Martin Sheen cracks my shit up here. Thank god this Tumblr is for the fans, because I couldn’t possibly recap this scene. Also, no quotes from it, because I would have to quote the whole thing. And it’s really about the president, Toby, and Sam. All of those are good names, you know.

Wrapping up:

I really wish they’d kept up with that and had her making CoS decisions via Magic 8 Ball. “Should we invade Kazakhstan?” “Reply hazy, try again.” Then someone makes a crack about the haziness being from the smog in China. Zing.

Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding:

• TZ: Sam wrote two and a half paragraphs and I wrote thirty-seven pages!
• JL: All right. Don’t tell anyone this happened, okay? [I myself have done that very thing, and it was useful having a line at the ready.]
• JL: President Bartlet’s a good man. He’s got a good heart. He doesn’t hold a grudge. That’s what he pays me for. Yeaaaah!
• TZ: There’s literally no one in the world that I don’t hate right now.

A Proportional Response

I would like to dedicate this post to the lovely Gwyn. She knows why. (And now so do you.)

She got to do the “Previously on The West Wing”! I feel like our girl is really coming up in the world.

Well, the whole beginning is about how C.J. is looking for Josh. So, this is promising. He does not want to be caught. He doesn’t know what he did. But Donna does! Because Donna knows everything. This is actual fact. Therefore, Josh will hide in his office and hoo boy, that’s a pretty nice opening shot (opening for our purposes, I mean):

C.J. legs and terrified Josh? I’m down. And then she gets the last line before the credits: “Wow, are you stupid.” and then I notice that the opening credits are slightly different than they are in later seasons. How did I not know that? Did other people know that?

She’s telling him off and telling him just how stupid he is and his defense would be great in the court of logic, not so much in that of public opinion and Hard Copy. And now I will just screenshot, because I cannot do justice to this next exchange, which includes one of the finalists for the Tumblr’s title (guess!):

That’s not what he meant, 

Too far, he worries? No, no,

Let me tell you, I could kiss her on the mouth right now. And when couldn’t I? Anyway, she will be talking to Sam. Not Josh. Josh should just not talk to anyone, probably. Ah, Tobias is in trouble, too. That’s because they haven’t realized they should just let her run the whole place. Give ‘em a few seasons. And let’s just fast-forward through this macho “blow up the Middle East” crap, shall we? We shall.

Josh: Toby’s right. What’s the good of being in power if you’re not going to haul your enemies in for questioning? C.J: ::kicks Josh:: Abby: Chokes on her wine and dies.

Delightful walk-and-talk. C.J. has already done everything Josh tells her to do, being psychic and also not incompetent, and wants Sam to stop by for a wee chat. And she makes a joke about the general incompetence surrounding her. Could this women get more perfect? Did some of my wine make it to my bloodstream? Who can say!

She’s instructing some underlings now about science and technology, which they somehow confuse with agriculture. And then Sam shows up. Sam, Sam, Sam. The Samster. Samsalooster. I seriously—I just—I don’t know how Sam doesn’t see that this isn’t okay. How when she says there’s no difference between seeing and soliciting when you work in the White House it isn’t blatantly obvious what she means. Should prostitution be legal? Possibly, I don’t know. Did Sam do anything wrong? No. But did he given his job? Yes, yes he bloody well did. And then, when we have “One other thing.” “Are we done?” “No, Sam, when I say ‘one other thing’ that means that we’re not done, that there’s one other thing.”, he has the nerve to get offended! Well, Seaborn, if you didn’t need everything spelled out to you…

And then she spells out exactly who he needs to call in the future. It is her. It is not Josh or Toby. Because she has to protect him, and protect the president, and he’s being a holier-than-thou jackass who wants to “save” Laurie. But oh does she end up keeping her cool and returning to her work, leaving him to fume in his moral morass. Or morass of morals. I’m fine with either. As for Claudia Jean: “We’re done talking now. You can go.” 

Okay, fast-forwarded through some Sit Room blathering, Charlie wanting to ride a bike for a living, and Sam telling Charlie not to answer questions that secretly mean “are you gay?”, because Sam is off his fucking rocker. To Leo’s office now, for some sanity (ha!)…C.J. scribble furiously and asks questions and then is told she can go to the Sit Room for a weapons briefing? Really? That does not go with later events. The continuity gods do not approve. She worries that the president won’t talk to her, because he is joining Sam on the high moral ground train to Crazytown.

Oh my god, they’re planning C.J.’s surprise party! Or, possibly, avoiding the press and everyone else until they start bombing. Could really go either way. Why is she asking Toby about missiles? Is Toby a missile expert? Why is Sam bothering C.J. to apologize at this time? Chris! Chris has a question. Also, the rest of the White House press corps. C.J. evades, and how:

It’s actually “I’m your host, C.J. Let’s play our game.” but the subtitles on the early seasons are incredibly crappy and eviscerate Sorkin’s dialogue, aka half the point of the show. And then she references Menudo, which is an outdated reference even then, and then DANNY! Daniel! Let the seven year non-itch begin! Uh-oh. He knows about Sam. Which gets him an invitation “inside”. Well done, Danny C., well done.

For instance (re: dialogue): C.J. says to Danny, “there’s something commendable about Sam’s behavior here. Don’t ask me what, but there is.” This is truncated to “there’s something commendable about Sam’s behavior.” Those are two entirely different statements! The latter makes no sense in light of the previous C.J.-Sam talk. Meanwhile, you just know Danny’s turned on by her little spiel, and by her defense of Sam’s call girl friend. That’s why he’s going to drop it. I mean…because he’s a good guy. Yeah. That’s it. Not his desire to put his pen in her…you know, I got no good end to that, and he probably uses a tablet to take notes these days anyway. Aww, and now she’s giving him a ten minute head start for being a good guy. He scratched her back…

The subtitles also don’t know the different between “council” and “counsel”, unless the White House is being run by someone very different than who I thought. (Anthony Kennedy.) Sigh. Moment of C.J.-Prez to a) give him a chance to snap at her, thus showing us again how cranky is he, and b) set up Charlie noticing he used his glasses last night. Look, I don’t want to say “magical Negro”, but…I just noticed C.J. offering the president her glasses. That’s a fabulous mental image, I must say. Oh, he DOES try them. I always thought those were, I don’t know, somebody else’s. That’s just delightful. Why didn’t they look in his study to begin with, by the by?

A little moment of Ceej-Tobes about how exactly the rumor got started that the FBI was investigating Bertram Coles. Who I don’t believe is ever mentioned again? That’s a cute little bit, with C.J. kind of knowing Toby shouldn’t have done that, but smirking that he did. They’re just besties, the two of them. 

And that’s a wrap, my fellow Americans…

Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding:

• DM: The best I can cobble together from the small shards of information I’ve been able to overhear in the restroom and at the Danish cart…
• TZ: It’s my first bombing, I don’t know yet!
• TZ: Ordinarily we get help from inside the Syrian Intelligence…We just blew up the Syrian Intelligence. PB: Oh for crying out loud, would somebody get on the phone to CNN and find out if we hit anything?!

“Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc”

This special edition of Claudia’s House is brought to you by I’m At School And So Bored I Spent $2.99 To Watch It On My iPad Without Subtitles And Type This On A Friend’s PC. 

Hmm. The “previously on” doesn’t feature C.J. This does not sit well with me at all. Blah blah Mandy with her New York plates. Man, I miss that red Statue of Liberty. Those were my favorite plates ever. She is fun to listen to on fast-forward though, gotta give her that.

Opening credits and still no Janney? Why don’t you just hit me with your shoe, Sorkin, hmm? I’ll tell you what, this episode is not drinking from the keg of glory so far. Yay! Right here, right as we come back. Quick interlude with Tobias about “the joke” and how it’s doing bad things to their guest list. Interlude continues, with both Sam and Josh asking if it’s because of the joke. Yes, it is. How she refrains from punching them I really have no idea. Or perhaps chaining the three of them together so she only has to say things once. Oy, there’s a whole different fanfic.

Claudia Jean is in the Oval! And I am really enjoying the remote on these headphones. It’s the Ryder Cup team declining the joke—OH GOD, NO, DO NOT TRY TO TALK TO THE PRESIDENT ABOUT HIS SENSE OF HUMOR. Is this a good time, C.J.? No. No, it is not. And then you will do it again. On the plus side, it’s her tombstone getting “post hoc, ergo propter hoc”, so she must be doing something right. I mean, did the president write your epitaph? I didn’t think so. Dude, she just got in her second joke/dig at the president (“When you learned to speak Latin?”) and it just reminds me how much I love their interactions.

Even if I weren’t skipping over the non-Claudia stuff, I would skip over Morris Tolliver, because no. Dude! She just mentioned theWhiffenpoofs! Foreshadowing, yo. Briefing tiiiiiime! It’s Bobbi’s birthday! You know what, I think Bobbi is the chick from the last episode. Okay then. Hoynes is a douche. C.J. knew this, but she didn’t know about his latest bit of douchery. However, well-handled. A disarming, distracting joke: very nice. However, I’m not sure dissing the golf guys was exactly the right thing to do. Unless they are all in fact named Flippy. And then another one re: their clothes. Honestly. Doesn’t she know that Kate and Will golf? (Mini.)

She tells Josh that she’s going to kill the vice-president. I cannot tell you how much I would enjoy seeing that. He wants her to keep it on the perimeter. Or, killing. That works. Then this weird moment where she…punches her way through some aides? 

Chattin’ with Stevie about whether or not the veep has a minute. Stevie is weird-looking and needs to be punched. He’s been on three of Joss Whedon’s shows, so I guess he’s okay. Okay, she’s being so deferential and yet passive-aggressive and it kind of turns me on. “C.J.” “Yes, sir?” “I’ve got my own press secretary.” “Yes, sir.” the look on her face as the camera pulls away—we don’t even know yet what the story is with her and Hoynes and yet she conveys so much: anger, embarrassment, planning as to how to get back at him. It makes me love her. You know, more.

She tells Josh the following things: Leo will be ready in about half an hour. And she talked to Hoynes. And they’re fine. And it’ll be anybody but Mandy. Now, two of those things were true. The other two, not so much. Not that I’m calling her a liar, or a half-liar. It’s a press secretary’s job to be able to fudge the truth. Plus, Josh is being annoying with the Mandy stuff. She’s your ex. Just deal. Ha, okay, she’s also Mandy and needs to GO AWAY. But that’s a separate issue.

Aaaand she introduces the applause for Josh, who brilliantly freed Mandy from her old job. She does this because sometimes Josh needs to be reminded who’s in charge here. (It’s C.J.) (And the president.) (And Leo.) (But they can get their own damn blogs.) Ugh, Claudia, Claudia, why are you covering for the VP with Leo? His statement did not get truncated, his statement got he’s a douchebag. Oh, because “she’s a good girl”. Right. Oh, Leo. 

And…that’s it. Our last glimpse of her is at 27:30, leaving almost 14 minutes of no Allison. Heartbreaking, truly.

Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding:

• JL: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
• TZ: I don’t understand. Did you trip over something?
• JL: She answers to me, and she answers to Toby. 
• PB: I’m gonna blow them off the face of the earth with the fury of God’s own thunder.

Pilot

This is it! We’re starting! Embarking on an adventure! Okay, fast forward. I don’t care about Sam or Leo. 1:34? It took a minute and a half to get to our girl? Hmph.

She’s treadmilling and pretending she’s normal. Oh, C.J. Honestly, though, the whole falling off the treadmill thing? I don’t quite buy it. Like, yeah, it’s a classic gag, I get that. But it’s never struck me as very C.J. Yes, she’s sort of gawky-looking, but…I don’t know. However, props for establishing her as a gym person so early on, since it’s a plot point later, when she has to use the FBI gym and there’s weird gun tension with Simon. Okay, a note here: I am aware that “C. J.” stands for “Claudia Jean”. It is not one word. But it’s annoying to type and aesthetically displeasing, so I’m stylizing it as “C.J.”. And using all the periods I want.

She wants a little love from Leo. And a way to talk about the bike thing without getting laughed out of the pressroom. I bet it’s Katie. Katie and Danny. That’s who’s asking her obnoxious questions. She should stick them on the zoo plane is what she should do. Okay, so, Josh is like “POOR CUBANS WHY AREN’T WE SAVING THEM AMERICA BLOWS”, which is consistent with Josh (he would be down in Vieques, remember), but why isn’t C.J. up in arms, too? She’s very much a humanitarian. Not just Qumar, but even in season seven, wanting to do good. Oh, and now Toby is sending in food and blankets.

Okay, who the hell are these people? Do we ever see them again? I know he’s Billy, because Sam called him Billy. Billy Kenworthy of the WSJ, we learn next episode. But based on West Wing Transcripts and IMDb, he is never mentioned or seen again. She may be Reporter #1 and later turn into Reporter Bobbi, but I don’t think so. And yet they talk so much.

OUR VERY FIRST PRESS BRIEFING!!!!! Linda and Suzanne are distributing the pool report, after which they will go hang out with Billy. However, Chris, delightful Chris, played by Mindy Seeger, is going to go on to appear in a total of 34 episodes, tying with Annabeth and Debbie and beating, among others, Mrs. Landingham, Danny, Arnie Vinick, Amy Gardner, and both VPs. And then never work again. Seriously. And she gets the honor of asking the very first question of the show. But not the last, as her final episode is “The Ticket”.

Josh, Donna, Toby, Exposition, Mandy, blah blah blah blah oh my god how can Nala be so damn annoying? Also, did you know that Robert Guillaume was Rafiki? That’s a lot of Lion King-Sorkin connections. FINALLY we are back to the press secretary. She has such big eyes. That’s, like, the only thing I got out of that scene. Leo knows the president and Allison Janney has big eyes.

Chris! You’re back! I missed you. I like how she’s the only one who gets questions in. Also, our first bit of Toby-C.J. I never know how I feel about the T/CJ shippers, I really don’t. I suspect something happened once, but they’re still friends, so that’s pretty awesome. I’m glad Toby never gets a love interest. He would get all changed, because that’s what TV does, and I wouldn’t like it.

C.J. is trying so hard to tell Josh he’s going to be baited, but is he listening? No. Because he is Josh, and smarter than all. Can we discuss why senior staffers are wearing badges? 

I get that the whole little commandment thing was necessary for the big Bartlet entrance, but it annoys the shit out of of me. You know why? Because there is no consensus on the Ten Commandments. Yeah. None. Every religion and denomination has its own version. I know this because my father was an expert witness in a case about the Ten Commandments, and was cited by the damn Supreme Court in another case, and basically I take this scene as an affront to my father. Being Ainsley Hayes, I find that upsetting. 

Again in this scene C.J. is the calm voice of reason. Again I am amused by this. Josh claims that he was, but he was not. Granted, her ability to be calm may be affected by the fact that she’s Catholic, and therefore did not immediately grasp the insult, which wasn’t aimed at her anyway. I personally would have been less calm, more beating Mary Marsh over the head with some vermeil. 

It’s nice seeing them all chatting, and getting the whole gang into the Oval, but:

Why the hell did it pan to C.J.? The first thing we learn about C.J. is that she *has* no personal life! I mean, Josh? Sure. Leo and his crossword puzzle? Fine. SAM AND HIS ESCORT? YES. But C.J.? Fuckers. 

So, the pilot. The thing about the pilot is, it feels like a pilot. Not like a first episode, but like a pilot. The little kinks haven’t been worked out, like senior staff wearing badges. But they have 153 more episodes to fix it.

Bonus, non-Claudia Jean lines caught while I’m fast-forwarding:

• SS: Alger Hiss just walked in with my secret pumpkin.
• TZ: Are you telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?
• LM: True or False: If I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars, I would be as informed as I am right now.
• LM: The president, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop.
• PB: What’s next?